


The Princess and the Dogg

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck
Genre: davejohn - Freeform, johndave - Freeform, johnkat - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-02-08
Updated: 2012-02-07
Packaged: 2017-10-30 19:13:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,604
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/335138
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which John is a Princess. Sort of. A story told by John and Dave at 3AM. Inspired by a crack!RP my friends Sophie and Bridgett did one time. Post-Sburb.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Princess and the Dogg

**Author's Note:**

> The pesterlogs will be the proper color when I figure out how to do it because damn this is complicated (and help would be appreciated)

TG: egbert shouldnt you be going to sleep soon  
TG: its like 3 am or something over there  
EB: it’s four, and it’s later where you are!  
EB: but i’m not that tired. you can go if you want though!  
TG: youre kidding me right  
TG: i do this all the time  
TG: im the fucking knight of time i dont bend to times laws  
TG: i make the laws  
TG: might as well promote me to fucking prince  
EB: hehe, well if anyone’s the prince, it’s me. my title is heir after all!  
TG: no are you kidding me youre the goddamn princess  
TG: end up kidnapped or some shit like princess peach  
TG: and id have to bust in there and save you with my sick sword moves  
TG: kick some turtle ass  
TG: return you to your castle and all id get is a thank you  
TG: not even a kiss  
TG: just a fucking thank you  
EB: i don’t see why i have to be the princess!  
TG: because i said so thats why  
TG: its ironic as fuck  
TG: the male heir being the princess  
TG: like some sort of adult disney movie  
EB: i don’t really like being listed as the princess, but if i have to…  
EB: wait, if i’m the princess and you’re the knight then who are rose and jade?  
TG: jade is the witch of the land that presides over the kingdom  
EB: and then rose could be her advisor.  
TG: yeah she could tell jade what choices are wise or some bullshit  
TG: but your parents would be the king and queen jade is just like the god of the kingdom  
TG: and theres a forest of kickass beasts like centaurs and shit  
EB: you’re getting really in depth with this.  
EB: don’t you think the joke has gone far enough?  
TG: john this is the most serious fucking thing i have ever done  
TG: so once upon a time in a land really fucking far away there lived a homely looking princess named john  
EB: :/  
TG: fine

TG: Once upon a time in a land really fucking far away there was an average looking princess named John Egbert. He lived in a castle in the center of the Land of Magic and Asshattery, a land of plush green meadows with an ocean to the south-west and a forest to the east.  
One day John was looking out the window of his castle, leaning his face in his hands, his elbows resting on the windowsill.  


EB: wait can i write this too?  


TG: yeah sure knock yourself out  


EB: okay so the land of magic and asshattery was actualy really boring!  


EB: The king and the queen took care of all the diplomatic going-ons, so that left me-- sorry, John, with nothing to do. He turned away from the window and wiped the stone grit off of his suit.  


TG: what no dude youre a princess you have to wear a dress  


EB: no??  


TG: youre wearing a princess dress  


EB: UGH!  


EB: John turned away from the window and wiped the stone grit off of his dress, when he saw Dave walking up to him. It was a rare occasion for a knight to come and see the princess without some reason, but it was actually pretty common place for Dave. They were really close friends, and have been practically inseparable since they were children.  


TG: this isnt supposed to be sappy what are you doing  


TG: dont even answer im taking back control  


TG: Dave walked up the the princess and ruffled his hair, then grabbed the lace on one of the puffy sleeves of the dress.  


"What is this, Egbert? New dress for the ball?" Dave asked, his tone steady. John blushed from his neck up to his hairline and muttered something about having to look good for the other kingdom's royalty.  


"Wait the ball actually is tonight, isn't it?" Dave asked. It's not that he didn't know that days date, he just didn't care enough about the ball to remember what day it was on. John nodded, his face still bright red, his hands fiddling with the bow at the top of his hips.  


"I have to admit, that corset on top of the dress brings out your waist." John tried to slap Dave but he flashstepped out of the way, and slapped John lightly on the back of his head.  


EB: why am i wearing a dress anyway?  


TG: youre a princess and princesses have to wear dresses it comes with the title  


TG: you have a stupid tiara too if it makes you feel any better  


TG: your strife specibus is tiara kind  


TG: have you ever even seen how sharp those fuckers are  


EB: i dont care! it's my turn.  


EB: John looked out the window again and sighed, staring at the forest in the distance. He'd never been there, but the forest was surrounded with myths of creatures that one could only dream of, and others that sprout straight from nightmares. He'd always wanted to go and explore, but his parents forbid him from going, telling him that their princess was to be proper, and that she was to stay in the castle and do her princessly duties, like practicing speeches and studying foreign policy.  
Dave walked up next to him and looked out to the forest too, then put an arm around John's shoulders.  


"It's not that exciting. Some of the beasts are cool, you wouldn't believe the trophies I've taken out of that place, but it's just a forest. Nothing spectacular, unless I'm in it of course." John rolled his eyes, knowing that Dave wouldn't actually kill anything in the forest. He was a bit of a softie.  


TG: what no fuck no  


EB: you know it's true!! now stop interrupting.  


EB: Dave was a bit of a softie, and John always wondered why he became a knight. Maybe it was to prove himself. The Striders had been knights for generations, and the best at that. Dave’s Bro had been a knight before him, protecting the King when he was younger, before he found his bride. Being a Strider was almost as good as being nobility, and as John knew well, living up to high standards wasn't exactly a walk through a plush meadow.  
Another knight came up behind the two of them and tapped Dave on the shoulder, which made a ringing sound that echoed quietly through the nearly empty study chamber. Dave and the other knight spoke in hurried whispers, both glancing at John ever now and then.  
“What’s this about?” John mouthed as the two of them walked towards the exit. Dave looked back and shrugged, and then left the chamber with the other night, leaving John completely alone until the ball that night.  


EB: scene change! your turn?  


TG: yeah sure hold on let me think a little bit  


TG: Everyone was inside the ball room, smack in the center of the castle. John was at the front of the ballroom, where he was sitting with his parents on giant ornate thrones. He sat on the left of his mother, with a knight on his left and another on his father’s right. Dave stood near the entrance, leaning on his sword handle, greeting guests, but staying on high alert. All the knights were, but the only one who knew why was the king, and of course Dave because he had snuck into the King’s chamber and checked everything out to see what was coming. What he found was a note: an anonymous tip that only said  
I should advise you to guard your “princess” well tonight. He is in grave danger.  
People danced and twirled through the night, the ball as big and eventful as it was every year. People drank and laughed and hit on John which made him blush like a fucking five-year-old. The annual ball was almost over and a fair amount of people were already streaming out, holding on to each other with tired eyes and empty laughs. The creepy court jester was drunk off his ass, passed out in the corner, being prodded by one of the other knights.  
The castle shook. Everyone paused and the band stopped playing. It was silent for a few moments, then the mumbles started. They grew louder until it was almost as loud as before, then the castle shook again, harder. Dave held his sword at the ready and weaved his way through the crowd, taking his place next to the King and Queen, and John.  


_EctoBiologist is typing_  


TG: dont you dare interrupt me  


TG: Something strong thumped against the wooden doors, straining against them for a second, then withdrew. Everyone held their breath, and the fucking dumb guards didn’t think to run over to the doors. Something rammed against the entrance again and broke through, sending the crowd into a screaming frenzy. The giant spider, Vriska, stood at the entrance, her eight eyes, four of them blind, blinking as she searched around the room. She laid her eyes on the thrones and made her way to the back of the room, crunching guests under her hairy, pointed legs. Dave held his sword higher as the rest of the knights clamored to surround the royalty, but Vriska swept everyone away with her front leg. Dave jumped back up and sliced at the thick appendage but only did surface damage. She gripped John in her mouth and turned around, crawling out as he screamed like a fucking five-year-old.


End file.
